How to break a toe

The doctor confirmed it on Friday, I broke my baby toe on the left foot. How, you might ask, do you break your baby toe? Well I have discovered a very effective way.

1. You should be half awake
2. It should be early in the morning say... 4:30 a.m.
3. Your bed needs to be up against a wall and you need to sleep on the wall side so that you have to climb over someone to get out of bed.
4. There should be all manner of items strune about at the foot of the bed. Kid's shoes, toys, your clothes from the day before and a wrapping paper container work nicely.
5. While trying not to wake up the person you are climbing over, attempt to locate a landing spot on the floor, avoiding anything too sharp.
6. *Now this part is critical* While making your move, catch the baby toe on something that will sufficiently hold it in place (enter the stand up wrapping paper container with a lip on the edge) as gravity and momentem continue to propel you forward. You will know this step is done correctly when you feel distinctive tug on your toe. Popping sounds and cracking noises are another sure sign.
7. *Extra Credit* Hop up and down on all manner of items strune about at the foot of the bed (see #4) and bit your lip with the pain. If you can make it out of the room without waking up the person you have climbed over (see #3), bonus points for you.

And that is one way to break a toe.


Now, to make sure you have done the job throughly, (going with the theory - if once is good, twice is better) wait a few days so healing has just begun. Then proceed as follows.

1. Before going to bed, turn off all the lights in the living room, kitchen, hall etc. achieveing darkness.
2. Forget something in the living room. The book that you are reading is a good example.
3. Assume that you remember where everything is in the room and walk through like you own the place.
4. Forget (lots of forgetting is required for this scenario) that the car seat was put in the living room.
5. Catch your baby toe (same one just injured a day or two ago) on said car seat.
6. You will know the job is done correctly when your stomach flip flops from recognition of the distinctive tugging sensation (see item #6 in the above section) before the pain sets in.